I & WE Coaching - committed

By: To We Relationship Coaching  09-12-2011

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This type of coaching is intended to guide couples to understand the origin of their conflicts within themselves and with their partner. If their thoughts and feelings of safety, certainty and trust have been damaged, we begin with each partner taking responsibility for their contribution to the conflict and ending the cycle of blaming, defending, deflecting and denying. 

They learn how to communicate in a safe, honest, peaceful and respectful manner in order to listen, understand, validate and empathize with each person’s thoughts, intentions and feelings.  This journey leads them to change disempowering beliefs, emotional states and behaviors traits that contribute to the negativity, obstruction, turmoil and conflict.  Next they identify and satisfy each other’s most important needs and begin the amazing process to heal each other and themselves.

Questions to Consider:

  • Are you thinking, “Am I with the right person?  Is this my destiny?”
  • Do you feel like you don’t know who your partner is anymore?
  • Are you asking the question “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
  • Is your soul at peace to end the relationship or do you feel you need to give it one more try?
  • Does it seem like you are roommates living parallel lives?
  • Do you even know when, why or how the disconnection began?
  • Do you argue about the same thing over and over again?
  • Are your conflicts increasing in frequency and intensity?
  • Has a significant negative event(s) occurred making you feel pushed out of the relationship?
  • Are you feeling emotionally, overwhelmed, flooded and/or hopeless?
  • Are you at the stage where resentment, contempt and anger prevail in your relationship?
  • Is your mind consumed with negative perspectives of your partner and your relationship?
    Are you ready to drop your criticism and complaints and give your partner the benefit of the doubt?  Will you accept absolute personal responsibility for your negative or hurtful words and behaviors? Are you willing to give and grow in order to help you, your partner and the relationship? Are you ready to listen, learn and be inspired to help your partner feel understood and validated?

Are you ready to drop your criticism and complaints and give your partner the benefit of the doubt? 
Will you accept absolute personal responsibility for your negative or hurtful words and behaviors?
Are you willing to give and grow in order to help you, your partner and the relationship?
Are you ready to listen, learn and be inspired to help your partner feel understood and validated?

I have 2 similar analogies I use when I work with clients.  It helps me to explain perspectives in a way that they can grab onto.  The first is the percentage scale.  I tell them that nothing in life is 100% and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.  The next is the 0-10 scale with 10 meaning yes, best or always and 0 being no, worst or never.  The reason I explain this is to help you understand my core philosophy when I work with couples.  I view my job as a coach to do everything I can to help couples create a relationship where 80 % of the time the space is positive and 20% is negative and the caveat is that during the times when the relationship is in the 20% negative phase, the frequency and intensity stays below a 3-4 range. 

In order to accomplish this feat, it requires each person to come to the coaching process honest, flexible, open and ready to do the work necessary to create those conditions.  There are 3 phases that are addressed in order to obtain this goal.

The first challenge is most partners are unaware of the dynamics created by their past experiences they bring to the current relationship that contributes to negativity, obstruction, turmoil and conflicts.  People just don’t comprehend how fears and beliefs formed in the past have such huge impact on how they show up and make choices in the present day.  Instead of looking at themselves and understanding what they bring to the table, what junk is in their trunk, they instead choose to blame, defend, deflect, deny, criticize and condemn their partner and demand that all is their fault and they are the ones that need help and that they are the one that need to change.

The second issue is related to the old saying” Relationships require hard work.”  The problem is most people never took a course or have acquired the intricate, specialized tools needed to be able to do the work in a successful manner.  These skill sets include the process of real change and taking personal responsibility to halt denials, see new perspectives, break old habits and be inspired to grow.  Second, is the ability to communicate by listening and speaking in a safe, honest, peaceful and respectful manner.  The next technique is about knowing how to manage emotional energy within oneself and for the relationship.  The last is having the courage and patience to be vulnerable and making the commitment to allow joy and fun to rule the day.

The third issue is related to the art of understanding each other’s needs and learning a new language.  It is like when you travel to a foreign country, it can be unsettling, fearful and frustrating.  In order to fully appreciate and enjoy your visit, you must understand the local culture and use their language to communicate with them.  Well, it is the same for two people in a relationship.  We all have our own languages - our needs that are supported by our culture - our beliefs that must be, taught, learned and spoken. 

Unfortunately in today’s world we have been programmed to think in the terms of “I” and not “WE”.  We all want to have our needs meet and have become proficient at the art of horse trading to get them meet.  “Let’s make a deal, if you do this for me, then I will do that for you.”  Then we sit back and wait because there is no way I will do that for you until you do this for me.  Well, in order to have a healthy, happy and harmonious relationship, we must adopt a new perspective based on the attitude of giving before we receive.  We must understand each other’s languages and enthusiastically learn and speak them.

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